What I Wish I Knew Before Getting Married

Another weekly task... This one is a little more personal.

Getting married. It is a big deal. It is something that you put a lot of time, effort, love and money into. Before even thinking about marriage you need to look at your relationship and think, will this last? Do I want to be with this person forever? Can our relationship work through anything? Yes, people do rush into marriage. Yes, people can get divorced. Yes, some people get married for reasons other than love. I did not rush. I did not want a divorce. I did get married for love.

We were together for Four years before we got engaged. Six years before we got married. Seven years before we broke up. We did not rush into getting married. We had been together since we were 15. It was puppy love which grew into more.

I was 19 when we got engaged. He proposed on our four-year anniversary. Two, long, stressful and expensive years later we got married. On our six-year anniversary. I was 21. It was a great day. It was stressful but, in the end, it was beautiful. Just before our seven-year anniversary we broke up. I was 22. We had an argument and that was it. We were over. I know now that there were things I should have changes. Things I should have done.

I wish I knew that it was okay for me to take time to look after myself and my mental health. During the relationship we both suffered with mental health issues. I put my issues aside to make sure he was okay. I felt as though his issues were worse than mine, so he needed the care and not me. We worked on him getting help. I did not get help. If I had known that it was okay to have these mental health issues and it was okay for me to put myself before others to get better, then maybe things would have turned out differently.

I wish it was okay for me to speak up about what I wanted and what I didn’t want. He controlled a lot of our relationship. In some ways he would make me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with my friends, but it was okay for us to spend time with his. His parents seemed to have a bigger say in our relationship than I did. When he decided that he couldn’t take the stress of living independently they made the decision for us to move in with them. I didn’t want to. I wanted my independence. We moved in with them. I should have stood up for what I wanted. If I could have had more of a say in our relationship, then maybe things could have been different.

I wish I knew that marriage didn’t need to be the next step. After four years of dating it felt like the next thing to do. In a way I feel like a part of me got married so young because I felt like that is what you should do when you love someone and have been with them for so long. I wish I knew that it was okay to wait. It was okay to work on ourselves as individuals and still have a happy, loving relationship together.

I wish I knew that it was not okay the way he treated me. He could be loving and sweet at times but then he could turn into a nasty person. His mental health became an excuse. If he made me feel bad, then it was because of his mental health. If he hurt me, then it was because of his mental health. If he did anything wrong, then it was because of his mental health. It was not. Part of the things he did was him. Not his mind. Mental health is not an excuse for everything. I know that now. I wish I knew that then.

I wish I knew that our relationship ending wasn’t the end of the world. When we broke up, I felt like I couldn’t live anymore. I felt like I was alone, unlovable, and I could never be happy again. Him breaking up with me felt like the worst thing that could ever happen. The truth is, it was probably the best. I grew up after that. I worked on my mental health. I made friends and went out and lived my life. It was hard at first and it took a long time to get healthy, but it happened. I learned to live without him. I learned to love myself. I learned so much. I wish I had known who I could be. With or without him.